We each have the power to give up counter-productive beliefs, replace ignorance with new-found wisdom, shift our conclusions in light of new evidence, and free ourselves from outdated dogma. The ability to change our minds, adjust our attitudes and update our assumptions is one of our greatest human capabilities. Einstein called it the measure of intelligence. Life is about choices. Why not begin the New Year by choosing to contribute to a less polarized world?
Typically, disagreements are either forms of attack or mechanisms of defense. We tend to see changing our mind as surrender. In a world of increasing division, a better, more persuasive – perhaps even counter-intuitive – way of arguing is to listen to learn rather than seeking to justify our position. Arguing too often descends into sarcasm, criticism, blame or dismissiveness – none of which are likely to see you prevail. The mind seeks certitude in everything and, under attack, that can translate into rigid and more extreme beliefs. But disagreements don’t have to be disagreeable. Done well, they can be an endeavour of mutual respect.
The best persuasion is self-persuasion – when people convince themselves they might be wrong. We’re very good at picking apart the reasons of others but terrible at dissembling our own thinking with the same zeal. We may listen and nod but the only way we ever change our minds is by changing it ourselves – by actually considering things we’ve never thought about before and silently talking through our own counter-arguments. This happens reflexively when the resolution of conflicting ideas focuses more on our own thinking than on their assertions or conclusions.
The idea is to have conversations, not arguments – to keep the discussion moving forward by making the other feel they’ve been heard and respected. Frame your argument in terms of what’s important for, and therefore resonates with, them. Dampen any anxieties they may harbour before getting into the specifics of sensitive topics. Ask where they first heard about the issue or whether they might know anyone affected by it. If it’s a matter of contention, the odds are they do know someone who’s been impacted and therein lies the beginning of a personal, common connection.
Avoid interrupting and talking over them. When you do this, instead of becoming agitated or defensive, they have some space to start contemplating the pros and cons surrounding the problem or controversy. This is the way the brain works – it thinks in patterns and relationships, not in black and white. Internally processing the nuances and shades of grey gives rise to internal debate and counter arguments. Without this non-threatening nudge to introspect, it’s human to remain overly confident in the rightness of our views.
Choose your battles. Before you begin, ask yourself why you want to change their mind? What are you trying to prove and to whom? Be clear on your motive. Share it honestly up front. Say something like “It’s not about who’s right; it’s about why we see things differently?” This defines common purpose and initiates collaboration. If you can’t do this, they’ll assume you think they’re gullible, stupid, deluded or a bad person. Then they’ll resist whatever you say, facts will be irrelevant, harm may be done and precious time will be wasted. For both of you.
Avoid energetic, rancorous debate and simply start talking to one another, with their story taking up the focus of the conversation. We all want to feel someone is listening to us. Abandon fact-based arguing and pursue the shared goal of searching for common ground. Clarify their definitions or, as Covey said, seek to understand before you can be understood. And use their interpretations, not yours – “If I understand you correctly, you’re claiming that …. If I get your point incorrectly, please correct me.” The goal is for both to walk away with a better understanding of what divides you. When it comes to disagreement, giving up our own viewpoint for a while to try on someone else’s is not our default mode.
Instead of examining whether their claims are true or false or nonsensical, explore whether their confidence in them is justified. Ask for a measure of the strength of their convictions. “On a scale of one to ten, what’s your level of confidence in that assertion?” No matter what they say, be an attentive, curious listener. Then ask “Why do you feel that way?” Or “What led to that number?” For anything less than a ten, ask “why not ten?” or “why that level of confidence?” You are now discussing their reasons, not yours. You’re focusing on how, why or where you may differ, not on what divides you.
Ask “what contributes most to your feeling of assurance?” The goal is to encourage her to think about her beliefs after she’s used her own reasoning to justify her position. Ask how comfortable he is with the quality of his supporting rationale. In so doing, with help, he can then assess the merits of his argument. Listen, paraphrase and reflect back the words. Make it clear where you stand in a way that suggests you might both agree on something. Wrap up, say thanks and wish him well. You may not have “won” the argument but you’ve made significant progress and planted the seeds that, one day, may germinate into a change of view. The mind before an argument is never the same mind afterward. Relationships are about progress, not perfection.
There are some caveats. Is this method foolproof? No. Nothing ever is. Does it work with online disagreements? Unlikely – it’s too easy to find and click on confirming disinformation. So it’s more effective face-to-face. It also doesn’t work if your opposer is strident, adamant or evangelistic in her positions. When our deepest beliefs are challenged by contradictory evidence, however sound it may be, the brain makes our convictions and justifications even stronger. And nothing, other than ego aggrandizement, is gained by arguing with someone over something that doesn’t really matter. Though we do that a lot. But knowing how to disagree without being disagreeable is an approach worth having in your arsenal of influencing skills.
Our brains are continuously de-constructing and rebuilding our models of reality. We do this to make sense of things. Our minds are forever changing and updating, writing and editing. And, thanks to this plasticity, so much of what we consider real or unreal, true or untrue, moral or immoral, changes as we learn things we didn’t know we didn’t know. Depending on the nature of the disagreement, this process can take several conversations. But it starts with movement. It’s called baby steps for a reason.
To foster agreement, stop arguing. Go from eliminating threat to making a connection. Then add in a discernable dose of legitimate understanding and genuine caring. With time, practice and patience, you may learn how to change minds. If not your own. And the world will be a better place for that.