Conflict is woven into the fabric of our existence. It’s as inherent to our being – who we are – as is the necessity to breathe. Yet, when we disagree with others, we are often engulfed in silence, stifling our thoughts, muffling our beliefs, paralyzed by the fear of disrupting the harmony in the relationship or inciting their hostility. Respectful disagreement goes beyond having differences of opinion. It encompasses how we say things and, more importantly, why we say them. It’s about intent – being fully aware of what we’re doing or not doing and aligning our choices and our words with our actions.
Respectful disagreement requires us to first acknowledge the flaws in our own thinking. One of these is naïve realism – a psychological theory about how people reason through their own perceptions and beliefs. At its core, the concept posits that we think we see the world without bias, that we expect others will come to the same conclusions as we do when they’re exposed to the same information and then will process it rationally as we believe we do. And when others disagree with us, we assume they’re uninformed, irrational or simply biased. Naïve realism is the ingrained feeling that our perceptions reflect the world “as it really is” and, when others see things differently than we do, it must be because of a flaw in their reasoning. But certainly not in ours.
Respectful disagreement happens when we learn the art of reframing – changing our normal reactive and reflexive scripts to cultivate empathy and encourage adversaries to see the situation from angles that are different from the one they’re defending. To do so, we need to see ourselves as seed planters not opinion changers. This requires a quantum of tolerance and patience. Embracing our differences is the key to fostering meaningful discourse and learning from others. A Harvard Business Review study puts it this way, “When we appear receptive to listening to and respecting others’ opposing positions, they find our arguments to be more persuasive.” Listening doesn’t just make our conversations more engaging, it makes us more convincing.
Humility and vulnerability are crucial elements in reframing the argument. Acknowledge the other’s perspective with a simple expression of gratitude: “Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.” Describe your claims with a dash of uncertainty by embracing a less dogmatic stance: “There may be some truth in that.” Highlight even the smallest areas of agreement – passionate disagreement doesn’t invalidate shared values or common beliefs: “I’m glad we’re both thinking of the success of this company.” Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, which tend to be perceived as accusatory. Infuse your argument with words like “somewhat, might or possibly” to soften the harshness of your differences. Foster acknowledgment with phrases such as “I understand that,” or “I appreciate you sharing your perspective on this.” To put a correct view into people’s heads, we must first get an incorrect view out. Let them talk their position through.
We generally listen to prove others wrong rather than listening to understand what they’re saying. What if we were, by choice, to listen as if we (not they) are actually wrong? How might that rewire the brain and change the conversation? This is a mental discipline called perceptual restoration. One part of our brain (the inferior frontal cortex) predicts what another person might want to say before the superior temporal gyrus (found in the audio cortex) even begins to process the sounds. We generally talk ourselves into trouble because of how the brain works – it’s less energy draining to react than to have the patience to search for and understand the context of the counter argument. A normal, healthy brain has several mental glitches that exacerbate conflict: like jumping to conclusions, making assumptions or anticipating ulterior motives. Therein lies the beginning of catastrophic communication. This is compounded by the illusion of asymmetric insight – the conviction that we know others better than they know us. This particular bias is fueled by our innate desire to feel superior and our need to fit everything neatly into our existing beliefs.
Beneath the overt layers of disagreement often lies the silent yet potent force of power differentials. Power in its myriad forms, both covertly and overtly, shapes the nature and outcome of disagreements. If one party possesses more power, whether real or imagined, they often control the narrative and that stifles honest dialogue. The more powerful, implicitly or explicitly, set the terms of the discussion, downplay or dismiss the concerns of the less powerful, or otherwise heavily influence the outcome in a way that aligns with their desires. The less powerful too often hesitate to voice their concerns or express their needs out of fear or perceived futility, leading to unresolved issues or suppressed feelings of anxiety and regret. Only when there’s an even playing field can disagreements be resolved in a manner that’s genuinely fair or at least acceptable to both parties.
Respectful disagreement requires courageous curiosity. Asking questions reduces anger and fosters positive feelings. Dialogue is not simply sharing ideas; it also involves inquiring and then reflecting on the answers. The creative part is not trying to convince him or her of the rightness of A while they believe B is correct. It’s more about how we can create C together. Although we have a brain that learns by seeking generalizations over ambiguity, the world is not always divided into black and white. It’s more often a panoply of different shades of grey. Artful disagreement is seeking nuance, avoiding simplistic binary thinking and striving to understand the intricacies of different interpretations. It’s considering multiple factors and individual perspectives before forming judgments or making decisions. It’s embracing uncertainty and ambiguity. It’s learning how to navigate around obstacles and through situations where clear-cut answers don’t exist. And like everything else, it’s achievable when you have the skill and the will to do it.