Relatability. Every relationship has its own chemistry or dynamic – as distinctive and defining as the people within it. And like anything that endures, relationships need steady attention and adjustment. The real question is whether there’s a willingness to make those changes. Some comfortably adapt to shifting circumstances, new insights and personal growth. Others can’t, won’t, or don’t know how.
Psychologists often claim personality crystallizes by age thirty. As a lifelong adult educator, I’ve never fully agreed. You can teach old dogs new tricks. And my work as an executive performance coach confirms it. Skills are learnable; behaviour is pliable. Provided there’s a will to change. Respect, after all, is behavioural – a choice, not a trait. The same goes for feedback: to benefit from it, you have to want it. Not everyone does.
Some people are uncoachable because they reject anything that challenges what they already believe. Over time, those beliefs calcify into biases. That rigidity may stem from fear, ego or simple obstinance. Its depth often depends on what’s at stake. But one thing is certain: refusing to try something new ensures nothing changes. I’m reminded of an executive who told me weeks after taking one of my courses, “I thought your tools were dumb … until I actually tried them.” That’s the point. When our tactics aren’t working, we need to try something different. That’s what adjustment means.
In psychology, there’s a concept called “openness,” or what some call vulnerability. This entails being receptive to different ways of thinking, non-judgmental about the beliefs of others and willing to confront the unfamiliar. It’s fundamental to growth and effective leadership. The ability to see the world through another’s eyes is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned. Openness fuels trust. Without it, people freeze when confronted by the hard truths. They retreat, stay silent, and swallow what needs to be said. Silence is being complicit. That’s why so many workplaces struggle to surface the real issues that drive mediocre performance and dysfunction. Without candour, problem-solving either stalls or goes off course.
Managers love to talk about accountability, yet few know how to deliver it with honesty, empathy and respect. Relatability makes accountability possible. It’s what enables people to own their behaviour – to admit mistakes, acknowledge the harm and make things right. Without it, they deflect, justify, or lash out to hide fear or shame. I’m not a therapist, but I’ve seen enough to know this: a deficit of openness drives much of the miscommunication and dysfunction we see in relationships. When there’s a genuine will to acknowledge and share motives, and confront the consequences of inaction, there’s always a way forward.
Feedback. This too is a topic preoccupying the minds of many leaders today. Their managers are urged to be candid – to both praise and criticize what their direct reports do. Yet without guidance or instruction, few know how to do that in a way that penetrates the wall of resistance most feedback triggers. Research shows that more than half of any performance rating reflects the rater’s traits, not those of the performer. Technically, this is known as idiosyncratic rater syndrome. We also know that criticism activates the brain’s “fight or flight” defense mechanism, which inhibits learning rather than encourages it.
The drive for personal and professional growth differs for everyone. Managers seldom inspire improvement by identifying what they perceive as failure and prescribing how to fix it. Neuroscience suggests that learning is fueled more by recognizing what we do well than by focusing on what we do poorly. And that understanding rarely comes from someone else’s perception of our shortcomings.
When we evaluate others, our judgments are invariably shaped by our own expertise in the field, our interpretation of what competence looks like, our leniency or severity as raters, and our biases. This is why giving feedback so often produces errors in judgment. Just as few of us can accurately rate our pain on a scale of one to ten, we are equally poor at gauging abstract traits such as creativity, critical thinking or political savvy. Because feedback from the boss often determines compensation, promotion or termination, employees have good reason to be concerned about how flawed the feedback process can be.
Focusing on weaknesses does not enable learning; it impedes it. Recognizing strengths catalyzes growth; dwelling on deficiencies can extinguish it. The brain perceives criticism as a threat – an emotional reaction that “invokes cognitive, emotional, and perceptual impairment.” Learning occurs when we see how to improve by building on what already works and adding nuances that expand our current understanding. We learn most effectively when in our comfort zones – where neural pathways are strongest and the mind is most open to possibility. That is the sweet spot of learning: the place where feedback finally gets through.